Dear Jack,
My state does not have a "do not call" law--probably because our Republicanesque governor, Gray Davis, is so soft on consumer protection, so I am always getting bombarded with telemarketing calls. Evening calls were bad enough, but now I am getting brunch calls too. I really dislike having to be rude, but what can I do?

California Called

Dear Called,

You are failing to appreciate the entertainment value in telemarketing. If you have ever participated in an office football pool, then this may be your opportunity to take things to the next level. You will need to gather a group of friends who have likewise been plagued by telemarketers. This, unfortunately, is not likely to be difficult, however, you will need to select honest participants for your telemarketing pool because it will be run on the honor system.

Here's how it works. You and your friends put whatever amount of money you want to put into the pool. Each participant will need a clock and a pad of paper beside their phone. When a telemarketer calls, you write down the time of the call and the company. Then you try to keep the telemarketer on the line as long as possible.

"Could you explain that to me again ..."

"Just a minute, please, I have to go take a burning pot off the stove ..."

Telemarketers don't make money talking to you, they make money selling you stuff. The more they talk, the less they sell. While they are talking to you, they are not talking to someone else who might buy something. Keep them talking!

"Oh, by the way, does your company supply you with ergonomic chairs for your job? It just so happens that we have a special this month on chairs that are perfect for people who spend long hours on the telephone.

Yes, try to sell something to the telemarketer! Say anything that will keep them on the line.

Eventually, they will figure out that you are not going to buy anything, and they will hang up on you.

Mark down the time that you kept them on the line. At the end of the week, the person who kept the telemarketer on the phone the longest wins the pool.

Pretty soon the telemarketers will be putting you on their do not call list. They're not going to want to call you.

Always be polite to the telemarketer, however. Remember, the person actually making the call is a down-and-out who couldn't find anything better than a lowly, minimally-paid telemarketing job. It is the scumballs who actually own the telemarketing firms that are your real targets, but of course, they don't actually make calls.